![]() ![]() Having a hidden ‘escape fund’ is also surprisingly common. In its milder form this can play out in adulthood as the thrill of impulse buying, but at the other end of the scale it can spiral into addiction. We also might keep a savings account or credit card private to get that buzz from keeping a secret. This links back to “let’s keep buying this a secret from dad”. Wanting to maintain a degree of independence in a relationship can be one reason. In addition to family scripts around money when we were growing up, there may be other influences at play which could lead to ‘financial infidelity’. As the MaPS statistics suggest, this means couples can avoid talking openly about their money and will often keep secrets or conveniently fail to mention certain financial products. In a relationship it’s likely that both partners will have had different experiences growing up when it comes to secrecy around money. Shame may come into play and further perpetuate the vicious cycle. These ideas can be reinforced if we haven’t got to grips with budgeting and find there isn’t enough money left in the pot. We feel guilty or worried that we’re being greedy or selfish or that it might even lead to disaster. Despite this we can still hear the voice in our head saying “no, you shouldn’t do this” which could result in becoming secretive about our spending. This means when we become adults and earn our own money, we might be tempted to exercise our freedom by splurging on impulse purchases or buy something on finance instead of saving up. As children we’re familiar with hearing statements like “we can’t afford that” or “you should save your pocket money rather than spend it sweets” comments that as a child essentially mean NO - you can’t satisfy your own desires – the power lies with the adults. It's also often the case that we want to do things differently to our parents. ![]() According to a Money and Pensions Service study released in 2013, the money habits you display as an adult start to be formed from the age of 3 and are set in place by the age of 7. ![]() We may not fully understand why we do it, but we’re copying the behaviour patterns and scripts we’ve experienced from a young age. There may have been some messages such as "don't tell your father I bought this for you" which can introduce the concept of not always being honest about money. We witnessed how our parents managed their money, whether they were open about it or kept their spending and saving habits to themselves. So why do we keep money secrets from our partners? Having worked as a counsellor at relationships charity, Relate for the past 26 years, I can tell you that money secrets are nothing new and our habits are often influenced by the generations before us. The MaPS research found that half of those in relationships (45%) have a financial product like an ISA or a loan that their partner doesn’t know about. Money secrets can be colossal, like racking up thousands of pounds worth of credit card debt while your partner has no idea, or they can be a little more subtle. ![]()
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